Stuck on Lou
I went to a baby shower today and came really close to winning this bingo game.
For Garrick, who pointed out to me recently how mysterious that “doctor” in Nothing Compares 2 U is.
My family, circa 1982.
If “Stuck on Lou” had been an 80’s sitcom instead of a delightful blog, it would have been about an adorable midget child named Louise who comes to live with a British couple and their non-midget baby.
Verbatim Phone Conversation Overheard at Atlas Cafe
You’re coming apart at the seams, man. You gotta friend me on Facebook again. Yeah, let’s be friends again, because you got a lotta work ahead of you. You gotta put all those photos online, man. I’m gonna have lunch with your mom this week. Maybe you could stop by. Yeah, in the rain. Ain’t that aboutta bitch? And there’s a great Balkan party this weekend, so clear your schedule for that. The girls are crazy over there. What? Balkan. No, Balkan! Bal-kan! It’s a region of Europe. It’s where the gypsies are from. I always have a blast. Anyway, friend me on Facebook again. I need to tag you in these photos. Alright. Later.
On Farting Audibly in Public
A few years ago, I made an interesting discovery:
I can fart audibly almost anywhere, and as long as it isn’t a comically loud stunt fart, no one notices. I’ve tested this out in various contexts; I’ve never seen anyone miss a beat.
I think this is because everyone assumes that a respectable lady in her 30’s such as myself doesn’t flagrantly fart in public. Their brains automatically filter out the information as incompatible with reality.
If only this had been true when I was a kid.
In 4th grade, I started at a new school where I witnessed a boy in my class fart audibly. His friend turned to him and asked, “Did you just fart?” He shrugged and said, “Yeah.” That was it. There was no further discussion.
I was FLOORED. I had made such an effort to avoid farting around other kids until that point in my life, for fear of public humiliation. Yet here was evidence that it was totally ok at this school!
A few days later, liberated by this new information, I deliberately farted audibly in class. The girl next to me asked, “Did you just fart?” I was cool and confident when I replied, “Yeah.”
But it was not cool. Uproar ensued immediately. The incident was the talk of the entire 4th grade for the rest of the day. I don’t remember hearing anything about it after that, but the year did not turn out to be a socially successful one for me. In fact, I don’t think I fully recovered from that one audible fart until maybe 8th grade.
You Don’t Fool Me, James Franco
James Franco’s regrettable performance at the Oscars last night reminded me of myself in high school.
I was in band because I sincerely loved playing music, but I was also painfully aware of how uncool band was. So whenever we performed at school, I compensated by slouching in my chair and wearing an expression on my face that I hoped said, “Sorry, guys. I don’t even know what I’m doing here. Trust me, I am totally on your side in thinking this is lame.”
In retrospect, this stance made no sense, considering that band was an elective. While it’s understandable to feel somewhat apologetic for subjecting audiences to an out-of-tune, 20-minute medley of the music from The Lion King, it’s obvious to me now that I wasn’t fooling anyone into thinking I had been coerced into it.
The same goes for you, James Franco.
